Back to School: Moving Away from Home
This article is for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute psychological advice, assessment, or the establishment of a therapist-client relationship.
You go through hundreds, if not thousands, of listings, wondering whether a room, apartment, or home might be the right fit for you. You begin to think about the logistics: How far will the commute be from school or work? What is there to do in the area? Will you feel comfortable there? And, perhaps, most importantly, how far away will you be from home?
Eventually, you find a place. You sign the paperwork, and suddenly, the move feels real. You begin envisioning your new life: How will you set up your space? What will your routine look like? Will you make new friends? What will it feel like to come home to a place that is entirely your own?
Moving away from home can bring a sense of freedom, excitement, and liberation. It can feel like the beginning of a new chapter – an opportunity to discover who you are outside of the familiar people, places, and routines that have shaped you. And yet, alongside that excitement, there can also be a deep sense of discomfort. Learning how to navigate life on your own can be both empowering and, at times, incredibly lonely. Moving away can foster independence while simultaneously leaving you wishing you could come home at the end of the day and tell someone about everything that happened. You may miss having someone to share a meal with, to sit beside in comfortable silence, or simply to be around without having to make plans.
You begin to realize that you can crave connection while also finding joy in your newfound independence. You can be excited about the life you are building while still missing the life you left behind. Both things can be true at the same time.
Emerging Adulthood
The period of emerging adulthood can often feel confusing. We long for the freedom to make our own decisions and begin living life on our own terms. At the same time, we are faced with expectations to make some of the biggest decisions of our lives. What career path do we want to pursue? Do we want to continue our education? Where do we want to live? What kind of life do we want to build?
For many of us, this is also a time of gradually shifting away from our caregivers making decisions for us and learning how to make those decisions for ourselves. We begin to explore our friendships in new ways, navigate romantic relationships, and discover what it means to form relationships outside of the family we grew up in.
Emerging adulthood can be a time of trying to understand our own sense of identity – to make sense of the values, beliefs, and teachings that have shaped us and decide what we want to carry forward into our lives and what we may want to leave behind. We are, in many ways, learning how to distinguish between what we have been taught to value and what we genuinely value for ourselves.
And yet, while we are being asked to make increasingly complex decisions about our futures, our brains are still developing. The prefrontal cortex, which plays an important role in planning, impulse control, weighing consequences, and decision-making, continues to mature into our twenties. This does not mean that young adults are incapable of making rational decisions – rather, it highlights that we are navigating this period of significant change while still developing many of the capacities that help us manage uncertainty and think through long-term consequences.
Perhaps this is part of what makes emerging adulthood so complicated: we are given more freedom while we are still learning how to navigate it.
Homesickness and Changing Relationships
Adjusting to all these changes can become increasingly difficult. While you are trying to build new relationships and establish a sense of belonging in a new place, you are also trying to maintain the relationships you have left behind. You may find yourself wanting to be fully present in your new life while simultaneously trying to keep the spark alive in the friendships and relationships that once felt like an everyday part of your life.
You may also find yourself subconsciously comparing your old routines to your new ones. The foods you grew up eating, the traditions you celebrated, and the gatherings that once brought people together may no longer look or feel the same. Places where you once felt safe and a strong sense of belonging may continue to cross your mind. In many ways, moving away can mean having to recreate a sense of community – finding new places, people, and routines that allow you to feel grounded, while also finding way to carry parts of your old community with you.
Setting Boundaries
Family relationships can become particularly complicated during this transition. Family members may continue to offer advice or expect to be involved in the decisions you make. They may have expectations about how often you should call, visit, or check in.
Saying “no” to a family member, setting a boundary, or simply not meeting an expectation can bring up feelings of guilt. You may find yourself overcompensating – calling more often, visiting when you are exhausted, or putting aside your own needs to avoid disappointing someone else. In the midst of trying to maintain these relationships, it can become easy to lose sight of an important part of the transition – learning how to take care of yourself too.
This is where learning to set boundaries can become important. Setting a boundary does not mean that you do not care about someone or that you want to distance yourself from them. Rather, it can mean recognizing what you have the capacity for and communicating that honestly, while allowing space for both your needs and the needs of the relationship. Some ways to begin setting boundaries include:
Identifying your needs
Take some time to notice what is leaving you feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, resentful, or emotionally drained. It can be helpful to ask yourself: What do I need right now? What am I saying yes to that I may not actually have the capacity for?
Communicate clearly
Using “I” statements can be particularly helpful when communicating a boundary. They allow you to share what you need and what you can offer without placing blame on the other person or compromising your own needs. For example, instead of saying, “You always expect me to call” you might say, “I have been feeling overwhelmed and I may not be able to call every day.”
Sitting with discomfort
Other people may not always respond positively when we set boundaries. You may feel guilty, anxious, or worried about disappointing a loved one. These feelings can be difficult to sit with, but they do not necessarily mean that you have done something wrong. Sometimes, discomfort is simply part of doing something differently and learning to honour your own needs.
Be consistent
Feelings of guilt or anxiety may make us want to go back on a boundary we have set. However, when boundaries continually change in response to someone else’s reaction, it can become difficult for both people to understand what the boundary actually is. Consistency can help establish a new pattern within the relationship and reinforce that your needs are important too.
Ultimately, setting boundaries is part of learning how to have relationships that allow space for both connection and independence. You can value and appreciate the relationships and connections you have built while still needing space to make your own decisions. You can care about someone’s wants, needs and feelings without being responsible for managing all of them.
By setting these boundaries, you create space to care for yourself while continuing to care for the people who matter to you. In doing so, independence does not have to mean disconnection. Instead, it can become an opportunity to learn how to remain connected to others without losing connection with yourself.
